She is in my trunk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
