Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
