So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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