ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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