im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
