Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
