It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
