She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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