i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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