I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
