He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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