THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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