I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So squirting runs in the family.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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