can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
