she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
