I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
