I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
