my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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