She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
