Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
