Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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