Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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