whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
