I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
