woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
