dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
