Umm I'm too high to move.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
