I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
