I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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