Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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