My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
