im drinking this country out of the recession.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
