I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
