dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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