I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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