I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
