dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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