Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
