Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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