Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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