New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
