I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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