I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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