Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
