just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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