i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
