no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
