When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
