MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
