Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We don't watch enough power rangers
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
