I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
